I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
