At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
