My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
