thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
