Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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