I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
there's paper in my vomit.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
