Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
