Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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