moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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