I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
