Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
