I would go down on you faster than GM stock
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
