Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I had to cum in my sink.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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