I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
