If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
