When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
