My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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