will power is for people who don't want to get laid
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
