these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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