I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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