when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize