Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
