I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
