she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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