you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
