Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
