Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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