my mouth tastes like poor choices
...so i touched it.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
