I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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