Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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