I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
