there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
