he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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