I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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