It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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