Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
