im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
