bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
