How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
one might say we're banned from that church
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
