I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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