Please, let me fuck your mom
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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