So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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