he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
