This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
