i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize