i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
