you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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