Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
