I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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