Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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