Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
How does one acquire holy water?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
