I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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