you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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