Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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