He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize