I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
