So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
