Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
