I faked an abortion last night.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
