what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
