I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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